When I was 21 I had surgery for an inflamed pericardium
(membrane around the heart) and came out of surgery a cancer patient. The pericardium was mostly removed but at
that time the doctors discovered a stage 3b Hodgkins Lymphoma tumor surrounding
my heart. I have the “zipper” scar on my
sternum that wont let me forget. It
reminds me that life isn’t always fair; that life is worth fighting for. It reminds me to live life each day as if it
were my last. Unfortunately cancer isn’t
like chicken pox and once you have it once, the odds are greater than others
that you will get it again. My scars
remind me to keep a watchful eye. My
scars remind me that I cant get too comfortable in my body.
This must be what a felon running from the law feels
like. Always looking behind their shoulder,
and wondering when the law will catch up to them and find them. I’ve felt that way for 14 years. It was worse at first when they told me the
cancer was gone but that I needed to have some CT Scans every month to be
sure. For the last five years, I’ve just
done scans if I had any problems. But as
a survivor, any cough, ache, or pain that won’t quit is a cause to raise red
flags. I have lost track of how many
cancer scares I’ve had these past years.
I’ve stopped feeling scared, I’ve trained myself to just watch and
see. Do the tests and see what the
answer is, then decide to be scared.
I’ve been lucky and haven’t had a reason to be scared, until this
year.
For fourteen years I’ve awoken every day and breathed air
that wasn’t meant for me. I drew the “get out of jail free” card in 2003 and
have been looking over my shoulder ever since. I know I shouldn’t be here on this earth but I
am and I am trying to make my life mean something. I’ve had fourteen years but I’m selfish
because I want all the years. I want to
watch my baby learn how to walk and my older babies grow up and go to college. I want to be a grandmother and retire with my
love, my Lee. I am selfish. I am a horrible person.
I am getting medical test after medical with no answer for my
pain. Its hard not to wonder if its
happening all over again. But until I
know one way or the other, I just wait.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll draw a card from “The Community Chest” that says “bank error in your favor.”
